Chris

I didn’t sleep at all that night. I was excited yet broken about being friends with Danielle again. Happy to have her close, to know I could keep her safe, but hurt that she didn’t remember anything. I wanted to be more than friends with Danielle again, but I was treading on thin ice here. I needed to regain her trust. Now, following her home and almost killing Jaclyn was a bit over the top, but I needed Jaclyn to know I was serious about what I was doing. Danielle was mine. 

I watched her come into sight, look around from the tree to the pavilion to the lake, catch me and head my way, my heart pounding inside. I hoped she’d remember my name so that I could hear it from her angelic lips once more, but I didn’t want to tell her anything yet. 

You see, I had a plan.

“Hey… you.” She greeted me. She still didn’t know my name.

“Hi Danielle.”

She took a seat next to me on the bench overlooking the little pond in the middle of the park. We watched the ducks swim and a little girl run around trying to catch a rabbit. Danielle laid her head against my shoulder, completely oblivious to my heart racing inside, trying to reach her. 

“I had another dream last night.”

“Tell me.” I said coldly, trying to hide the pain in my voice. This was like trying to be friends with an ex you want to be with again but you know you can’t.

She shrugged, “I was in that damn room again, chained up. It was all dark and then this man came in and…” She buried her face in my shoulder, sobbing. I wrapped my arms around her, rubbing her back in what I hoped was a comforting manner. It felt amazing to have her in my arms, but to see her cry was heartbreaking, just like it always was. 

“Please tell me that was just a dream… not an actual memory…” 

I bit my lip, “I honestly don’t know on that one. I wasn’t there.”

She cried for another few minutes before sitting up again and we watched the sun rise together. The sun was my enemy, just another reminder that things change, good things never last, and I couldn’t do anything about it. 

A memory resurfaced. 

I was running through the woods. The sun was about to set, but it was my only light. I quickened my pace, tripping over tree roots while the vines sliced through my soft, weak flesh like butter. I kept running. I wanted, no I needed to get out of that horrible place. As quickly as possible. I was finally free, I couldn’t give that up. 

The time came where I couldn’t run anymore and I collapsed on a fallen tree trunk. I took a few deep breaths. My vision was getting blurry again, my head pounding. I looked up for a moment, the final sun rays reaching me through the trees. I was close to escaping! I used the last of my strength to stand and run. As fast as I possibly could. The sun slipped under the horizon, hiding the fall from my sight. I reached the clearing only to stumble down a cliff. 

It seemed like forever I was tumbling, being slammed against boulders and cut even further by the vines growing between the rocks. A few of my fingers, my left arm and my right ankle all sprained from hitting the rocks so much. By the time I reached the bottom, right into more woods, I was unconscious, bloody, broken… dying. 

I was kept alive by the hope of seeing Danielle again. When I was in pain, I’d dream of being in her arms with her soothing words in my ears. I’d dream of kissing her and seeing her smile or just lying there beside her, getting lost in her beautiful green eyes.

Now I had her and I couldn’t kiss her or love her properly. All I could do was hold her, but that was enough to keep me sane… right?

“If you refuse to tell me your name, what do I call you?” She looked up at me, her eyes bloodshot and dry.

I frowned, “Just call me C.” 

“C.” She shook her head, “Well, C. That’s such an odd name. Just the letter C.” 

I laughed, wiping the hair from her eyes and whispered, “It is, but I’m not at all creative. I think you should be getting back to Jaclyn. She’s probably worried sick.”

She sighed heavily, “Oh yeah, sure. Why does she treat me like a child? She isn’t my mother! I’m 20 years old for God’s sake! So is she!” 

“She’s just looking after you, Danielle. She’s protecting you. Well, trying to.”

“From what?” she laughed. She expected me to say from murderers and rapists. She was ready to snap back at me that she could take care of herself. Even though she was 21, she could still act just like a child or a teenager sometimes.

“From me.” I muttered, shifting my gaze to the ground. Well actually, I was a murderer. And Danielle couldn’t protect herself from me. I was stronger and she’d loved me once. I wanted to reach in and pull that back out. To feel her against me one more time. Or at least feel her love through a kiss or hug. Without that I had nothing else to live for.

Danielle stared at me blankly, “But… you’re not dangerous.”

“No but my actions have had violent effects in the past.”

“I… I don’t understand.” She tilted her head towards me, completely perplexed. 

What was this feeling inside me? Urgency. To tell her. To get it out. To get this game over with. I just wanted to hear her say she forgave me or that she loved me. If not, I wasn’t going to waste any more time here.

But I didn’t have the courage to talk about it. Or was it really just because I didn’t want to talk about it? All I wanted was Danielle’s forgiveness. So I could get past this. So things could get back to the way they were and we could be happy. Cuddled up together on the couch watching a movie. Or just sitting there, me talking about my boring day at the computer repair shop and listening to her talk about her day waiting for me. 

“You will soon enough.”

She jumped up and stomped her feet, her eyes flaring, “Quit playing these games with my head! I’m tired of the tricks and the riddles! Tell me the fucking truth. I’m still not sure if I can trust you!”

My eyes moistened up, “I am not strong enough yet. Please understand, Danielle. I promise you I will tell you, but not now. When I’m ready, but I assure you I will never hurt you. I will protect you. I promise on my life and all that has been or will be done. You can trust me.” 

Of all the people in the world, I thought she’d be the one to understand. She used to be the more patient one, the more open one. 

She took one long look at me and sighed, “You better keep your promises.”

“I will, Danielle.” 

Danielle

I still wasn’t sure about this. I never would be. I was never sure of anything in my life up until now; it was all worthless. I was worthless. These people were playing tricks on me. Tonight the voices were especially active. 

He’s going to kill you. No he’s not! He promised!

Promises can be broken, Danielle. You are blind. Look at what is going on. Shut up! You’re just a voice in my own head. You know nothing! Especially of him! 

You are a burden. On everyone. Do not hold down these people anymore. 

The thought scared me. The voices in my head always said these things, these lies and I always fell for them. But tonight I was especially vulnerable. Confused. Alone. Cold. I was afraid to go to bed, knowing the nightmares would be back for sure. 

I went to the dresser, slowly sliding open the top drawer. I dug around through the notes, old poems and notebooks, some loose change. Gum wrapper. Aha! There it was! I took the razor blade out of the dresser and collapsed to the floor, back against the rough dresser drawers.

I took a few deep breaths. In. Out. In. Out. Was I really going to do this? 

Don’t chicken out, Danielle. Actually go through with something.

Was I ready for this? 

Yes. 

I slid the cold piece of metal across my palm. A drop of blood oozed out and ran down my arm, falling to the floor. 

They’d be free now. Jaclyn and C. They wouldn’t be burdened by me anymore. And hey I wouldn’t have to deal with these nightmares or this pain any longer if I went through with this. Isn’t that want I wanted? I could start over with a whole new life. Be born again, a different person. 

A person who actually knew who they were. A person with a past and a meaning. A person who could stick up for themselves. A person who didn’t put up with being stepped on or used. A person who was actually wanted.

Another slice. More blood. Hell, let’s get this over with. A deep one across my wrist. So much blood! My cheeks were damp with tears at this point. I watched the crimson puddle extend on the floor as I became lightheaded. The edges of my vision turned purple before everything faded to white. Suddenly many images flashed into my mind.

One of myself sitting under that oak tree at the park, crying. One of C walking up to the pavilion at the park and staring at me. I’d been so scared and confused. Then there was the image of Jaclyn. The last one was of me crying in C’s arms. 

It had felt so safe. So… perfect. Almost as though it were meant to be.

But it was far too late to think about these things. 

Chris

I had this sinking feeling form in the pit of my stomach when I first heard sirens in the distance. A feeling I’d never felt hearing those sirens before. They were just sirens. Of an ambulance. Probably nothing, right? Nobody I knew? I shook off the feeling without much thought. 

It crept back into my stomach as the sirens got closer. Urgency. I realized the ambulance was right in Jaclyn’s neighborhood. 

Without even having the thought, I scrambled to my feet and ran. This feeling meant something. Something had happened. To either Jaclyn or Danielle. I ran as fast as I could, praying they were okay. Well, at least Danielle. Jaclyn I didn’t particularly care for anymore. It’s amazing how quickly and how dramatically people can change. 

I turned down their street just as a medic was rolling Danielle on a gurney into the back of the ambulance. Her arms… her wrists… all sliced open. There was blood all over. No! Not my Danielle, please no! I ran to them, slipping behind them into the ambulance.

One of the medics, a man in his thirties with short blonde hair and a missing pinkie shouted, “You can’t be in here! Get out!”

“I’m her best friend! I’m staying! Shut up and help her!” I screamed back in tears.

The blonde medic mumbled something and went back to frantically searching for a pulse. There was one, but it was very faint. The whole time, the medic was pushing down on her chest, trying to keep her breathing. He wasn’t pushing down hard enough, I thought. My heart was beating a mile a minute. I wanted to help, but the two medics in here with me just pushed me aside, to the back of the ambulance.

It seemed like forever before we reached the hospital, and nurses were already waiting outside to help bring Danielle in. I trailed behind them, my eyes planted on Danielle the whole time. Her eyes never opened. Please don’t let her die. Not now! Not ever!

I followed as far as I could go before one of the nurses starting shouting at me in Spanish, pushing me out, and buzzing the door shut before I could get back in. I ran back down the hall to the waiting area, where there was a fat woman with an inhaler in the corner, and a man in his 60’s with a missing arm, and gray hair watching the puffer fish in the 50 gallon fish tank. The woman at the desk called me over, asking what happened, what our names were, our relation, etc. 

A few tense minutes passed before Jaclyn made her way through the front door, dazed and confused. She caught my gaze and frowned, heading over to me. She bared her teeth and shouted, “What did you do! What did you say? Why must you keep causing problems? Look what you’ve done! She’s tried to kill herself because of you!”

“Jaclyn, I did nothing. I said nothing. Maybe it is you, not me!” I growled, crossing my arms. My legs were shaking. I just wanted to see Danielle and know she was okay. 

“Everything was fine until your careless ass showed up! She’s perfectly fine with me! But no… you always have to ruin everything!” By then, everyone in the waiting room had turned and were staring right at us.

“I love her! I can’t just abandon her!”

“Yet you already have!”

“I had no choice! You know this! If you’re just going to fight me, get the hell out. I’m not leaving without knowing Danielle is okay.”

She glared at me, “You’re such an ignorant, careless bastard, you know that?” before stomping away to the other side of the room just to take a seat and stare at me. As if I was a murderer or something. Then again, I was. She just didn’t know it. She didn’t need to.

It felt like years I spent pacing the room, looking back every now and then at Jaclyn, who eventually fell asleep. How could she be so calm and carefree when Danielle could be dead or dying that very moment as far as we knew? My heart jumped and I had to catch my breath. Quit thinking like that. I was always so negative.

The waiting room emptied. Some skinny man with shaggy hair who smelled like cigarettes came and fed the fish. As if those fat suckers needed anymore. 

A skinny brunette nurse finally walked into the room, 2 hours later, and said, “Chris, Danielle will be fine. We stitched the wounds and she can be signed out and brought home when she wakes up.”

“Thank you, nurse. I’ll be here to take her home.” Jaclyn replied before I could, suddenly beside me. I turned to her and gave her a cold stare. A tiny grin tugged at her lips. She was trying to irk me on purpose.

“I’ll be here too.”

Jaclyn glared at me, “No. You’re not.”

“Well if you two want to see her, she’s in room 32. Just go down the hall, turn left and it’ll be the second one on the right.”

“Thank you, miss.” I nodded and she headed off. 

“Leave, Chris.”

“No.” I muttered, heading down the hall.

I followed the nurse’s directions to Danielle’s room and sat in the plastic blue chair beside her bed. Jaclyn tagged behind, and took a seat in the other blue chair in the corner of the room, returning to her nap. 

I kept my eyes on Danielle’s. She looked like an angel while she slept. My gaze trailed down to her wrists every now and then, my stomach churning at the bloody gauze wrapped around them. Why, Danielle, why? Why would you do this?

Was it me? Something I said? Something I did? 

My heart sank even lower, and I hadn’t thought it could. What if it had been me? What if I’d been the one to slit my wrists? Would Danielle even care? Would anyone care?

“What’s wrong?” Danielle whispered, her eyes wide open. My gaze had fallen to the floor.

I looked up at her, trying to hide my sorrow, “Nothing… just tired.”

She sighed, sitting up and turning, so that she was facing me, “I can tell the difference between someone who is tired and someone who is upset. It’s me, isn’t it?” 

I didn’t need lie. “…Why’d you do it, Danielle?”

She frowned, hanging her head, “I feel like I’m just a burden on you guys. I feel like I’m being stepped on and used by everybody because I don’t remember anything. I feel like I’m being lead on. But most of all I feel alone and misunderstood. Worthless.” 

I put my index finger under her chin and raised her face so she was staring into my eyes. She was already tearing over. I couldn’t bear this much longer, I’d lose it too, “Danielle, you are not worthless. You’re not alone. I’m here for you. Nobody’s leading you on. I understand you. You may not understand me, but I understand you. Please don’t do this again… live… for me?”

She bit her lip and nodded and I wrapped my arms around her lightly. I felt alive with her in my grasp. I could protect her. I had a purpose. But Jaclyn was glaring at me from the corner once again so I pulled away after a minute or two, wiping the last of Danielle’s tears away with my thumb. 

I wanted to take her. Take her away from this place. To leave Jaclyn behind with my past and just take Danielle somewhere safe. Where it was just me and her. Just so I could make sure she was safe and nobody else could ever hurt her again. I refused to let the past repeat itself. I’d paid my price, now it was time to win back my love and make everything right.

But she was stuck with Jaclyn. I didn’t trust her anymore. Ever since Danielle told me about the pills and I’d gone after Jaclyn that day, I’d wondered about what else Jaclyn might’ve done. Or what she might still be doing. 

“Danielle, let’s go home now.” Jaclyn piped up, standing. 

Danielle looked at her and then back at me. I nodded ever so slowly. She saw the hesitation in my eyes and kept put on her bed.

“Danielle. Come on, it’s like… 4 in the morning.” Jaclyn yawned.

Instead of Danielle, I was the one who stood, heading for the door. I waved to Danielle, who was still watching me. As I was closing the door behind me, she called, “Bye C… and thank you.”

I bit my lip, “Bye Danielle...” 

It was pouring outside. The raindrops felt like needles that had been left in the freezer for hours. They stung my face as I ran. At least the rain hid my tears. 

I shot past the old high school, past the grocery store and right through the empty field. I didn’t stop until I reached the park. It was pouring even harder by then, but I skipped the pavilion. I went straight to the oak tree and curled up in between its roots. This tree held so many memories. Good and bad. I wanted to return to the past, to wake up from this nightmare.

I pleaded to the tree. I sobbed, I hugged it, but it did nothing. It said nothing in return. I pleaded for it to wake me up. Perhaps I was just in the middle of a nightmare during a nap. Yeah that must be it… I’d fallen asleep in Danielle’s lap! Must’ve! This couldn’t be real.

But as hard as it was for me, I couldn’t convince myself that is was a dream. Danielle had almost died tonight. Again. She didn’t deserve death, I did. She deserved the best and I deserved to suffer yet she was the one suffering. 

I felt everything within me crumble. Everything I’d ever done had been a waste. And I’d failed Danielle. I couldn’t be there to make her happy. Nor stop her from wanting to kill herself. 

The downpour eased into a gentle sprinkle. Every inch of my body was frozen, shivering, aching. I didn’t care, I deserved all the pain I received. 

It wasn’t until 6 or so in the morning that I finally found sleep. Curled up right in between the oak tree’s roots, right where Danielle and I once snuggled and laughed together under. Maybe by some miracle, that would be us again in the future.

The sirens. The ambulance. The blood. I tried to run to her, but my feet weren’t fast enough. She was calling my name. Desperately. As soon as I got to the scene, I collapsed beside her and I held her in my arms. Her eyes were bloodshot. She was crying blood. Her wrists and throat were slit. 

“Danielle!”

“Chris! You did this to me! You did! It’s your fault!” She hissed. 

“I know! Danielle, I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!” I managed between sobs. 

A couple drops of blood ran from her eyes and down her cheeks as her life slipped away from her, “Why don’t you love me?” She used her final breath to ask.

My body went rigid and numb. My heart ceased to beat. For your love to die before your eyes, thinking that you didn’t love her, and for her to use her final breath to ask why you don’t love her, when in reality you do more than anything, is far worse than being handed your death sentence. 

“Danielle…” I lost my breath. Her body had gone limp, her eyes empty and lifeless. “Danielle!” I shouted, trying to wake her up. I shook her a little. I laid her in the grass and pushed on her chest. Nothing. I kissed her. Nothing. She was dead. Gone. Forever.

She was dead and it was my fault.

“Danielle… please… I love you! I have always loved you… I’m sorry!” I whispered, my knees giving out. I collapsed beside her in the muddy grass. I adjusted myself so my face was beside hers and I intertwined our hands. I laid my face against her neck and wept, I myself as empty and lifeless as her on the inside.